In the Light

Many of you who read this blog will already know what has been happening over the last few weeks with our new adoption. It has been a roller coaster of a ride and I, for one, hate roller coasters. We got the news last night, after I called our birth mother, that she has lost the baby. We have suspected this to be the case for several weeks now, but have remained hopeful as she recently restored contact with us and our social workers.

This news was very sad, but not entirely surprising. I can't say that it feels as bad as it did last year when our first adoption failed. Somehow knowing that baby was born and was no longer ours was harder. Of course a few weeks ago when we first suspected our birth mother might have lost the baby I felt as empty as I have ever felt. I don't know many women who have never been pregnant or given birth to a child, but not being able to get pregnant and then to lose a baby this way is an extraordinarily empty feeling. I don't talk about this much, but I did miscarry a baby once. While I have grieved over the years for that child I knew that I was not in any position to be a mother then and I also believe that child is with Jesus. Now I have feel as if I have two children with Jesus. [If you haven't read THE SHACK do so--those of you who have will understand that it gives me great comfort to think of my babies with Papa.]

Today has been a long day with lots of sleeping. We did get up in time to go to church and had a nice lunch with Granny. All I have thought all day is "stay in the light." Last Thursday we heard a great message at our casual Thursday night worship from 1 John and our pastor talked about Jesus being in the light. It occurred to me that when I feel as if I am in the dark and separated from God that all I have to do is to choose to be in the light. So today, for the most part, I have chosen to be in the light with Jesus.

This has been an extraordinarily difficult 13 months and also an extraordinarily blessed 13 months. We have lost two babies through failed adoption or miscarriage, but gained a precious daughter! We are really so grateful. Please continue to pray for us as we travel the road of life. We are likely meeting with our social worker tomorrow and/or the agency director to discuss the possibility of another baby. There is an African American mother who has just come "into the program" and is not matched, she is due right away. We don't know any other details and we don't know if this is where God is leading us, but we are open to discuss it and pray about it.

With much love you all...