Last night we met our new birth mother. She is very sweet! She sat right down next to me and seemed at ease with us from the beginning. We made her a small scrapbook about us and gave that to her. I thought the adoption counselors were going to cry. We just thought that since we get to know all of this information about her, maybe it would be nice if she had some information about us.
She brought her 15 mos. old son with her and he is gorgeous! But he is certainly a handful! She said he is getting his two-year old molars and has been kind of cranky lately. He has just started a new day care since they have been settled in their new home (out of the shelter), etc. And they have already moved him up a class because he is so advanced. He is very smart!
Our birth mother had a little scare on Monday and thought she was having premature labor. It turned out that she is anemic and has a bladder infection. So they are treating her for both and she was back at work yesterday. She is a strong girl. She also found out the date for the c-section which will be August 3 and that the baby is a girl. We were so convinced it was going to be a boy, I think we were more than a little surprised. The birth mother told us one of us could go into the delivery room with her and take pictures. That was very sweet. I think we were very surprised and happy about that.
All in all it went very well. I guess we will begin to make our plans to have a baby on August 3. Please keep us in your prayers. There is so much going on in our lives right now--we need all the prayer we can get. It's a good thing we have so many friends to keep us surrounded in prayer. We are truly blessed.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
We made it to San Antonio!
Well, we finally made it to San Antonio. This trip seemed to go smoother than our last one. It is definitely worthwhile stopping and spending the night half way. We stopped in Slidell, LA, and stayed at a very nice La Quinta. La Quinta always takes pets and has a microwave in every room (among other things). Not to mention, they also have breakfast. So we were able to make up the cost difference between Motel 6 and La Quinta by bringing dinner with us from home and eating their continental breakfast.
Somehow, I managed to throw my lower back out while helping load the car from the hotel. This means Andy had to drive the whole way from Slidell to San Antonio. He did an excellent job, navigating past three accidents, while I sat very still with an ice pack on my back. Today, I am going to see Mom's chiropractor for some intervention before we head back to Florida on Friday.
Our meeting with our birth mother is tonight at 6 pm. We are excited, but not nearly as much as we were last time. I guess that is probably normal after what we have been through. It was funny this morning Mom had forgotten that was why we even made the trip. (Ha!) We all seem to have an attitude of "we hope it works, but if it doesn't that's okay too..." We'll let you know later how things go!
Somehow, I managed to throw my lower back out while helping load the car from the hotel. This means Andy had to drive the whole way from Slidell to San Antonio. He did an excellent job, navigating past three accidents, while I sat very still with an ice pack on my back. Today, I am going to see Mom's chiropractor for some intervention before we head back to Florida on Friday.
Our meeting with our birth mother is tonight at 6 pm. We are excited, but not nearly as much as we were last time. I guess that is probably normal after what we have been through. It was funny this morning Mom had forgotten that was why we even made the trip. (Ha!) We all seem to have an attitude of "we hope it works, but if it doesn't that's okay too..." We'll let you know later how things go!
Monday, June 18, 2007
We're going to San Antonio at the end of the month
Today we had another good conversation with our birth mother. She says she is very tired, hot, and ready for this to be over. When she realized that she only has about 6-7 more weeks she got really excited. That seemed to be good news for us and maybe an indication that she is not bonding with this baby. Every time we talk we get a good ear full of her 15 mos. old boy who lives with her and he is quite a HAND full.
It looks as if we are going to San Antonio the week of June 25-29. We will likely leave on Monday and return Friday. That will give us a day to meet her, a day to rest, and get us home by Sunday. She will be scheduling her c-section at her doctor's appointment on June 25, so we will know that week when to plan our next trip over for the birth. We will also be making a birth plan when we meet with her that week.
All things seem to be going more smoothly this time, but we remain very cautious. We don't feel the overwhelming sense of "oh, we might be parents in a few weeks" like we did last time. I think we know that may be true, but we are approaching it much differently this time. Right now we are busy trying to figure out if Andy can take his summer classes as one of them will likely take place the week the baby is to be born. We seem to be in a "wait and see" holding pattern.
Our church fast and prayer service went really well. It was such a good thing to experience as a group. I, for one, really felt as if I was able to give over a lot of the anger I have been carrying around lately. Our pastor said an especially wonderful prayer for our student ministry and the church as a whole. It is always such a blessing to share prayer together in that manner--to be in the sanctuary and just openly and privately praying as a group--there is so much power in that. I will never forget a time when we led a service like that in Athens. My mother had come to lead a mini-revival and a small group of us met in the sanctuary for prayer and anointing. It was a blessed time, one that I will never forget--just as I will never forget last night's service.
Please continue to be in prayer for our adoption and our ministry. We will keep you posted of any changes.
It looks as if we are going to San Antonio the week of June 25-29. We will likely leave on Monday and return Friday. That will give us a day to meet her, a day to rest, and get us home by Sunday. She will be scheduling her c-section at her doctor's appointment on June 25, so we will know that week when to plan our next trip over for the birth. We will also be making a birth plan when we meet with her that week.
All things seem to be going more smoothly this time, but we remain very cautious. We don't feel the overwhelming sense of "oh, we might be parents in a few weeks" like we did last time. I think we know that may be true, but we are approaching it much differently this time. Right now we are busy trying to figure out if Andy can take his summer classes as one of them will likely take place the week the baby is to be born. We seem to be in a "wait and see" holding pattern.
Our church fast and prayer service went really well. It was such a good thing to experience as a group. I, for one, really felt as if I was able to give over a lot of the anger I have been carrying around lately. Our pastor said an especially wonderful prayer for our student ministry and the church as a whole. It is always such a blessing to share prayer together in that manner--to be in the sanctuary and just openly and privately praying as a group--there is so much power in that. I will never forget a time when we led a service like that in Athens. My mother had come to lead a mini-revival and a small group of us met in the sanctuary for prayer and anointing. It was a blessed time, one that I will never forget--just as I will never forget last night's service.
Please continue to be in prayer for our adoption and our ministry. We will keep you posted of any changes.
Friday, June 15, 2007
No news is good news!
Well, we finally heard from our adoption counselor today. This week has been a busy week. She was out of town last week and has been catching up this week. So even though we checked in Sunday to report on our conversation with our birth mother, we hadn't heard anything yet.
We are still working towards meeting at the end of the month. We have had two conversations now with our birth mother and she still seems interested in us. That is good! She reported to the agency that we talked about meeting at the end of the month, but that was about all she talked about in regards to us. Our adoption counselor forgot to schedule a new conversation with her so we are supposed to call our birth mother again on Sunday, like we did this week.
Today was payday so I did a little shopping. I have made it my personal mission to try out every thrift store and consignment store in town. I have placed all of the little girl clothes I bought for the last adoption match at a consignment store about 25 minutes from here--sheesh! The store I usually shop at wasn't taking in clothes and so I found a different one. I have discovered that the best place to find really cheap baby clothes in good shape is the Good Will store where everything is $1.49 or less. I have gone to the Junior League shop (not worth the trouble), a creepy consignment store in the front of someones house in the bad part of town, and more.
My favorite consignment store in town remains Classy Kids on Nova Rd. It is a little expensive, but there is a good selection, good sales, and very friendly people. I have been shopping there for months, little by little. I bought our stroller/car seat combo, bassinet, crib bedding set, diaper pail, books, and lots of baby clothes there. I even found two boppys and two boppy covers (I gave one to Annie and David--our youth leaders). I don't mind paying a little more there than at Good Will because I figure I am helping the mom who is selling the items and keeping the store in business. I just love the idea of recycling! I have found that I would so rather buy used items than new ones. (Which reminds me I am recovering our sofa again in this leatherette. It is so cool. I will put up pictures when I am done. The leatherette was on clearance at Wal-Mart and cost next to nothing!)
I also went to the Hospice Thrift Store today. It is a beautiful place! There was a gorgeous Pottery Barn style couch there. I wanted it so bad, but I it would be a luxury item we just can't afford right now. I did buy a Lane chest, smaller than the average cedar chest, in good condition. It had just come in and the lady gave me a very good deal on it, plus 20% off. She was so kind. I told her I wanted to use it as a toy chest and explained we are adopting a baby. She had so many questions. I even told her about our failed adoption. She said, "Well, this one is going to work I just know it!...You will be a wonderful mother, that baby is one very blessed child." Wow! She made me promise to bring in the baby if everything works out.
On the way home I called Andy to tell him about the experience. I said, "Why do these things always mean so much when a total stranger says them to you?" Andy said, "Because they seem to come from God--it is a God thing." It was a God thing.
This Saturday our church is doing a Wesley Fast, followed by a break the fast supper and prayer service. We will be fasting all day from sun up and praying for our church, the youth ministry, and our adoption. I am really looking forward to it. I have never been a part of a church that fasted together in a group effort. This comes in a timely manner as our parent's meeting is on Monday.
We'll keep you posted. Please continue to be in prayer for our adoption, the birth mother, the baby, and our ministry.
We are still working towards meeting at the end of the month. We have had two conversations now with our birth mother and she still seems interested in us. That is good! She reported to the agency that we talked about meeting at the end of the month, but that was about all she talked about in regards to us. Our adoption counselor forgot to schedule a new conversation with her so we are supposed to call our birth mother again on Sunday, like we did this week.
Today was payday so I did a little shopping. I have made it my personal mission to try out every thrift store and consignment store in town. I have placed all of the little girl clothes I bought for the last adoption match at a consignment store about 25 minutes from here--sheesh! The store I usually shop at wasn't taking in clothes and so I found a different one. I have discovered that the best place to find really cheap baby clothes in good shape is the Good Will store where everything is $1.49 or less. I have gone to the Junior League shop (not worth the trouble), a creepy consignment store in the front of someones house in the bad part of town, and more.
My favorite consignment store in town remains Classy Kids on Nova Rd. It is a little expensive, but there is a good selection, good sales, and very friendly people. I have been shopping there for months, little by little. I bought our stroller/car seat combo, bassinet, crib bedding set, diaper pail, books, and lots of baby clothes there. I even found two boppys and two boppy covers (I gave one to Annie and David--our youth leaders). I don't mind paying a little more there than at Good Will because I figure I am helping the mom who is selling the items and keeping the store in business. I just love the idea of recycling! I have found that I would so rather buy used items than new ones. (Which reminds me I am recovering our sofa again in this leatherette. It is so cool. I will put up pictures when I am done. The leatherette was on clearance at Wal-Mart and cost next to nothing!)
I also went to the Hospice Thrift Store today. It is a beautiful place! There was a gorgeous Pottery Barn style couch there. I wanted it so bad, but I it would be a luxury item we just can't afford right now. I did buy a Lane chest, smaller than the average cedar chest, in good condition. It had just come in and the lady gave me a very good deal on it, plus 20% off. She was so kind. I told her I wanted to use it as a toy chest and explained we are adopting a baby. She had so many questions. I even told her about our failed adoption. She said, "Well, this one is going to work I just know it!...You will be a wonderful mother, that baby is one very blessed child." Wow! She made me promise to bring in the baby if everything works out.
On the way home I called Andy to tell him about the experience. I said, "Why do these things always mean so much when a total stranger says them to you?" Andy said, "Because they seem to come from God--it is a God thing." It was a God thing.
This Saturday our church is doing a Wesley Fast, followed by a break the fast supper and prayer service. We will be fasting all day from sun up and praying for our church, the youth ministry, and our adoption. I am really looking forward to it. I have never been a part of a church that fasted together in a group effort. This comes in a timely manner as our parent's meeting is on Monday.
We'll keep you posted. Please continue to be in prayer for our adoption, the birth mother, the baby, and our ministry.
Notes from June 10, 2007
Today we had a great second conversation with our new birth mother. She was friendly and kind. We talked about making plans to meet at the end of this month in Texas. We also talked about the birth. She said she was excited that she is having a planned c-section so that we can be there for the birth, if we want to be. Of course, we want to be!!!!!
Now we have to report to our counselors and make plans to talk again. This is such an arduous process. During our first attempt at adoption my mother kept reminding me that "being pregnant is hard." That was her way of reminding me that having a child, no matter how it happens, is difficult. It takes at least nine months. There are lots of ups and downs, lots of hormones and emotions, and anxiety. The same things occur when in the process of adopting. We pray for the health of the baby and the mother. We experience the anxiety of becoming parents. We prepare a nursery and space for the baby about to come into our lives. We have days of outstanding joy and also sadness as we comprehend what is happening.
With our previous adoption I sometimes felt guilty for taking away a baby from its mother, even though I knew that was what was best for the mother and the baby. If that young woman was to have any hope at a normal and healthy life, and give her baby a loving and secure home, she needed to follow through on the adoption. We know that even though she did not follow through with the adoption it doesn't mean she didn't love her baby. We know she loves her baby very much. But she made a very hard choice. Her family would not support her. She had not finished her basic nursing training and her plan to move back home to St. Louis and go to RN school, while working, was gone. She chose instead to leave the care of the agency and to move into a homeless shelter with her baby. She has no support, no family, no transportation, no education, and no money.
How much more do you have to love a baby to give it up when you can't take care of it or even take care of yourself? I can ask that question, because of Andy's adoption. When Andy's birth mother gave him up she did it because she loved him that much! She loved herself and her family and she knew it was the best decision to make. She gave him the best parents he could have ever had. She gave him the kind of life where he was always cared for, always warm, always loved and nurtured, always encouraged, always supported, educated, taught about life and led in his faith walk. And now we are blessed to have Andy's parents and Shirley in our life, in all of our lives.
Now we have to report to our counselors and make plans to talk again. This is such an arduous process. During our first attempt at adoption my mother kept reminding me that "being pregnant is hard." That was her way of reminding me that having a child, no matter how it happens, is difficult. It takes at least nine months. There are lots of ups and downs, lots of hormones and emotions, and anxiety. The same things occur when in the process of adopting. We pray for the health of the baby and the mother. We experience the anxiety of becoming parents. We prepare a nursery and space for the baby about to come into our lives. We have days of outstanding joy and also sadness as we comprehend what is happening.
With our previous adoption I sometimes felt guilty for taking away a baby from its mother, even though I knew that was what was best for the mother and the baby. If that young woman was to have any hope at a normal and healthy life, and give her baby a loving and secure home, she needed to follow through on the adoption. We know that even though she did not follow through with the adoption it doesn't mean she didn't love her baby. We know she loves her baby very much. But she made a very hard choice. Her family would not support her. She had not finished her basic nursing training and her plan to move back home to St. Louis and go to RN school, while working, was gone. She chose instead to leave the care of the agency and to move into a homeless shelter with her baby. She has no support, no family, no transportation, no education, and no money.
How much more do you have to love a baby to give it up when you can't take care of it or even take care of yourself? I can ask that question, because of Andy's adoption. When Andy's birth mother gave him up she did it because she loved him that much! She loved herself and her family and she knew it was the best decision to make. She gave him the best parents he could have ever had. She gave him the kind of life where he was always cared for, always warm, always loved and nurtured, always encouraged, always supported, educated, taught about life and led in his faith walk. And now we are blessed to have Andy's parents and Shirley in our life, in all of our lives.
Notes from June 7, 2007
Well, it's official--sort of. Our new birth mother reported to her counselor that she enjoyed our phone conversation and wants to keep talking to us. When asked if she wanted to talk with any other prospective adoptive parents, she said, "No, I am happy with the Paynes." Yay!
This is such a strange process--it is something like dating or courting anyway. We talk on the phone and decide if we have any connection at all. Then if there is some kind of chemistry the process continues. So, here we go.
Barbara, the birth mother counselor, indicated we need to schedule a time for us to meet in Texas. She also scheduled a new time for us to talk to our birth mother on Sunday after church.
Please keep praying for us. We feel as if this is all in God's hands. We are not as worried as we were last time, but neither are we as excited. It reminds me of when Andy and I met. It all seemed too good to be true and so I sort of tuned out and just didn't think about it. I simply let whatever was happening, happen. That turned out to be the greatest blessing of my life! That is how this feels. It's funny because Andy and I have talked about that tuning out process and simply letting God carry you along a journey--he experienced it to before we were married. He says that is exactly how he feels now. Let the journey begin! We are so fortunate to get to share this journey with each other. We know that and we thank God for that every day.
This is such a strange process--it is something like dating or courting anyway. We talk on the phone and decide if we have any connection at all. Then if there is some kind of chemistry the process continues. So, here we go.
Barbara, the birth mother counselor, indicated we need to schedule a time for us to meet in Texas. She also scheduled a new time for us to talk to our birth mother on Sunday after church.
Please keep praying for us. We feel as if this is all in God's hands. We are not as worried as we were last time, but neither are we as excited. It reminds me of when Andy and I met. It all seemed too good to be true and so I sort of tuned out and just didn't think about it. I simply let whatever was happening, happen. That turned out to be the greatest blessing of my life! That is how this feels. It's funny because Andy and I have talked about that tuning out process and simply letting God carry you along a journey--he experienced it to before we were married. He says that is exactly how he feels now. Let the journey begin! We are so fortunate to get to share this journey with each other. We know that and we thank God for that every day.
Notes from June 5, 2007
We just talked to our new birth mother! It was a very exciting and nerve racking conversation. She is very sweet, as we were told. She seems much more mature and sure of herself than our previous birth mother. Perhaps that is because she is a few years older.
She has just moved into her own apartment and is working full time. We talked about her job and she said some great things, like she doesn't like all of the work she has to do but she gets paid good money and that is what matters. That is a profound statement from someone so young.
We don't know all of the circumstances of her life, but she has earned about one third of her undergraduate degree. She talked about all of the research she did about adoption and all of the questions she asked. At that point we were able to ask her the one question we wanted to know (one that we never asked our last birth mother) and that was, "why are you placing this child?" She said it is because she has been trough this before and she knows how difficult it is. She says her 15 mos old, whom she has custody of , is a hand full and she just can't handle another one. Plus she really wants to go back to school and one day become a physical therapist. Those were good answers, we felt. It seems as if she is making sound decisions in a difficult situation.
Now, we just have to wait to see what her response is to the agency. If she wants to talk again then will continue in the process. She is due August 16 and is having a scheduled c-section, probably the week before. It will be nice to know when we have to be in Texas.
She has just moved into her own apartment and is working full time. We talked about her job and she said some great things, like she doesn't like all of the work she has to do but she gets paid good money and that is what matters. That is a profound statement from someone so young.
We don't know all of the circumstances of her life, but she has earned about one third of her undergraduate degree. She talked about all of the research she did about adoption and all of the questions she asked. At that point we were able to ask her the one question we wanted to know (one that we never asked our last birth mother) and that was, "why are you placing this child?" She said it is because she has been trough this before and she knows how difficult it is. She says her 15 mos old, whom she has custody of , is a hand full and she just can't handle another one. Plus she really wants to go back to school and one day become a physical therapist. Those were good answers, we felt. It seems as if she is making sound decisions in a difficult situation.
Now, we just have to wait to see what her response is to the agency. If she wants to talk again then will continue in the process. She is due August 16 and is having a scheduled c-section, probably the week before. It will be nice to know when we have to be in Texas.
Notes from May 31, 2007
We got a call today from our adoption counselor that there is another birth mother interested in us. Can you believe it? It has been less then two weeks since our failed adoption. I'm not sure we are ready for this. It is a very surreal feeling, almost as if we are not in control of this situation--as if we ever were (Ha!).
The birth mother is in her early 20's and is due August 16. She has other children, one whom has been adopted by her mother, and one that she is raising, both boys. She was referred to our agency from a local women's shelter where she had been living. She is working and is moving into her own apartment.
We are supposed to call her on Tuesday, June 5.
We haven't told anyone about this yet. We are waiting to see what happens in the conversation. This is such a strange feeling. Andy and I decided to go ahead and talk with her, as we would likely feel apprehensive whenever we have that next conversation with a birth mother. It might as well be now.
Our counselor told us that she is a sweet and smart girl who has done a lot of research into the whole adoption experience. She has looked at all of the other adoptive parent profiles and didn't want to talk to any of them. She hadn't been shown ours because we were matched, but since we became unmatched they showed her our profile. She immediately liked us and wanted to talk to us. That seems positive. Our previous birth mother had been very reserved and hard to talk to. We were always afraid of scaring her away. Maybe this time our experience will be different.
We are praying for a miracle--attempting to follow God's path, as always!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and He will give you success." Proverbs 3:5-6, New Century Version
The birth mother is in her early 20's and is due August 16. She has other children, one whom has been adopted by her mother, and one that she is raising, both boys. She was referred to our agency from a local women's shelter where she had been living. She is working and is moving into her own apartment.
We are supposed to call her on Tuesday, June 5.
We haven't told anyone about this yet. We are waiting to see what happens in the conversation. This is such a strange feeling. Andy and I decided to go ahead and talk with her, as we would likely feel apprehensive whenever we have that next conversation with a birth mother. It might as well be now.
Our counselor told us that she is a sweet and smart girl who has done a lot of research into the whole adoption experience. She has looked at all of the other adoptive parent profiles and didn't want to talk to any of them. She hadn't been shown ours because we were matched, but since we became unmatched they showed her our profile. She immediately liked us and wanted to talk to us. That seems positive. Our previous birth mother had been very reserved and hard to talk to. We were always afraid of scaring her away. Maybe this time our experience will be different.
We are praying for a miracle--attempting to follow God's path, as always!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and He will give you success." Proverbs 3:5-6, New Century Version
Notes from May 23, 2007
We heard from our former birth mother today. She emailed us to check-in and to apologize for the pain she had caused us. She offered to send pictures of the baby. It was very nice to hear from her and to hear her apologize. Knowing that she understands some of the pain she has caused helps us. She told us we had been a blessing to her and I sincerely hope that is true.
At first I wasn't sure what to do with this email. Then I decided I needed to respond. I hope that what I said was helpful and not hurtful. She is a Christian young woman and we only wanted to encourage her the whole time we knew her. I hope that this experience will not be a stumbling block for her. Here is the email we sent:
At first I wasn't sure what to do with this email. Then I decided I needed to respond. I hope that what I said was helpful and not hurtful. She is a Christian young woman and we only wanted to encourage her the whole time we knew her. I hope that this experience will not be a stumbling block for her. Here is the email we sent:
Dear Birth Mother,
Thank you. Your consideration of us means a lot. We understand that either decision you made would be difficult. While we knew in our minds that anything could happen during that window between birth and 48 hours later, nothing prepared us for the loss we would feel. We aren’t mad, just very sad.
Thank you for offering to send pictures, but I don’t think we could do that right now. We know that the baby was never really ours to begin with, but we loved her very much and we loved you. We feel as if we lost a child that we had prayed for and loved for the weeks we knew you and even before. It’s hard to explain.
We really do wish you all the best in the world. We hope that you will be able to continue to strive for and reach your goals with your nursing. If there is any young woman who could make all of this work, it is you. You are very strong. You now have the highest job imaginable, being a mother to that beautiful baby. We know you will work as hard at that as you do everything in your life.
We will be back in the process of waiting for someone else to consider us as adoptive parents. We have learned a lot from this special time with you. I’m sure our hearts have grown through all of this. God has a plan—we know that and you know that, I’m sure.
You and the baby will remain in our hearts and prayers. May God bless you both all the days of your lives.
Andy & Bonnie Payne
Notes from May 18, 2007
Today we learned that the birth mother we have been working with has given birth to a baby girl as expected and then changed her mind about the adoption. When we were called yesterday to say that she was in labor we were suddenly thrown into a mad and exciting frenzy of trying to get ready to leave for Texas when we weren't expecting this blessed event for another week. Andy was supposed to preach on Sunday, something he hasn't done in over a year and was very much looking forward to. The youth band is playing on Sunday and we have a baby shower scheduled for our friends and youth leaders, David and Annie. We worked hard all day (yesterday) to prepare to leave and to get our home study update done a day early.
Then last night we got a teary call from the birth mother counselor, Barbara. Actually, our birth mother called but was in such pain she couldn't speak to me herself. Barbara had to tell us that our birth mother was having second thoughts. This must be the worst news potential adoptive parents can hear. Barbara said they were doing lots of praying and that she would call again later.
I felt devastated. I cannot even describe the sudden loss I felt, the hollowness and the emptiness. With all that I have been through in my life I have only felt that way once before. It was the day the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) told me that the latest round of infertility treatments hadn't worked. She told me to go away and lose weight then I could likely get pregnant on my own. This coming from a thin, cute, blond doctor with three children of her own. I thought what does she know about being overweight and infertile. At that point in my life I thought my very life, happiness and marriage depended on my getting pregnant. I will never forget walking up the parking garage ramp that day, a cold wind was blowing and I felt as if it would knock me over and carry me away. I have never felt that empty until Thursday night, May 17, 2007. Of course, I know now, that what happened all those years ago in 2002 was a blessing. I was trapped in an abusive marriage and if I had child with that man I would have been connected to him forever. I couldn't understand then that I was being protected and preserved for something better--maybe someday I will feel that way about this. Right now, that seems impossible.
I cried all night long it seems. I don't know if I can share how I truly felt or if it is even good to share such deeply personal things. Andy was wonderful as usual, despite his own pain, he laid in bed with his arms around me and held me while I sobbed. It is unlike me to let anyone comfort me, but at that moment I submitted to it and let my beautiful husband comfort me like only he can.
When we finally got the news today that it was in deed official, our birth mother has changed her mind, it was almost a relief. We have been up and down all day on waves of maybe she won't, maybe she will. Helen, another birth mother counselor, finally called to say that our birth mother has left the care of the agency and has an "emergency plan." All that means is that she has a place to go to when she leaves the hospital with the baby. She is refusing the help of the agency, who would have helped her parent her baby. She is acting very much her age, barely 18. If the baby had been born a few weeks earlier when she was only 17, things may have been different.
Fortunately for us our home study counselors. Dr. Ken & Lynn Brown, were here to help us in that final hour of need. They told us not to worry that we would be parents and soon. Dr. Brown said our agency would work hard to get us matched again right away. Right now that seems impossible. The way I feel at this moment I don't even know if it is all worth it. I don't know if I can do this again.
Then last night we got a teary call from the birth mother counselor, Barbara. Actually, our birth mother called but was in such pain she couldn't speak to me herself. Barbara had to tell us that our birth mother was having second thoughts. This must be the worst news potential adoptive parents can hear. Barbara said they were doing lots of praying and that she would call again later.
I felt devastated. I cannot even describe the sudden loss I felt, the hollowness and the emptiness. With all that I have been through in my life I have only felt that way once before. It was the day the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) told me that the latest round of infertility treatments hadn't worked. She told me to go away and lose weight then I could likely get pregnant on my own. This coming from a thin, cute, blond doctor with three children of her own. I thought what does she know about being overweight and infertile. At that point in my life I thought my very life, happiness and marriage depended on my getting pregnant. I will never forget walking up the parking garage ramp that day, a cold wind was blowing and I felt as if it would knock me over and carry me away. I have never felt that empty until Thursday night, May 17, 2007. Of course, I know now, that what happened all those years ago in 2002 was a blessing. I was trapped in an abusive marriage and if I had child with that man I would have been connected to him forever. I couldn't understand then that I was being protected and preserved for something better--maybe someday I will feel that way about this. Right now, that seems impossible.
I cried all night long it seems. I don't know if I can share how I truly felt or if it is even good to share such deeply personal things. Andy was wonderful as usual, despite his own pain, he laid in bed with his arms around me and held me while I sobbed. It is unlike me to let anyone comfort me, but at that moment I submitted to it and let my beautiful husband comfort me like only he can.
When we finally got the news today that it was in deed official, our birth mother has changed her mind, it was almost a relief. We have been up and down all day on waves of maybe she won't, maybe she will. Helen, another birth mother counselor, finally called to say that our birth mother has left the care of the agency and has an "emergency plan." All that means is that she has a place to go to when she leaves the hospital with the baby. She is refusing the help of the agency, who would have helped her parent her baby. She is acting very much her age, barely 18. If the baby had been born a few weeks earlier when she was only 17, things may have been different.
Fortunately for us our home study counselors. Dr. Ken & Lynn Brown, were here to help us in that final hour of need. They told us not to worry that we would be parents and soon. Dr. Brown said our agency would work hard to get us matched again right away. Right now that seems impossible. The way I feel at this moment I don't even know if it is all worth it. I don't know if I can do this again.
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