Notes from May 18, 2007

Today we learned that the birth mother we have been working with has given birth to a baby girl as expected and then changed her mind about the adoption. When we were called yesterday to say that she was in labor we were suddenly thrown into a mad and exciting frenzy of trying to get ready to leave for Texas when we weren't expecting this blessed event for another week. Andy was supposed to preach on Sunday, something he hasn't done in over a year and was very much looking forward to. The youth band is playing on Sunday and we have a baby shower scheduled for our friends and youth leaders, David and Annie. We worked hard all day (yesterday) to prepare to leave and to get our home study update done a day early.

Then last night we got a teary call from the birth mother counselor, Barbara. Actually, our birth mother called but was in such pain she couldn't speak to me herself. Barbara had to tell us that our birth mother was having second thoughts. This must be the worst news potential adoptive parents can hear. Barbara said they were doing lots of praying and that she would call again later.

I felt devastated. I cannot even describe the sudden loss I felt, the hollowness and the emptiness. With all that I have been through in my life I have only felt that way once before. It was the day the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) told me that the latest round of infertility treatments hadn't worked. She told me to go away and lose weight then I could likely get pregnant on my own. This coming from a thin, cute, blond doctor with three children of her own. I thought what does she know about being overweight and infertile. At that point in my life I thought my very life, happiness and marriage depended on my getting pregnant. I will never forget walking up the parking garage ramp that day, a cold wind was blowing and I felt as if it would knock me over and carry me away. I have never felt that empty until Thursday night, May 17, 2007. Of course, I know now, that what happened all those years ago in 2002 was a blessing. I was trapped in an abusive marriage and if I had child with that man I would have been connected to him forever. I couldn't understand then that I was being protected and preserved for something better--maybe someday I will feel that way about this. Right now, that seems impossible.

I cried all night long it seems. I don't know if I can share how I truly felt or if it is even good to share such deeply personal things. Andy was wonderful as usual, despite his own pain, he laid in bed with his arms around me and held me while I sobbed. It is unlike me to let anyone comfort me, but at that moment I submitted to it and let my beautiful husband comfort me like only he can.

When we finally got the news today that it was in deed official, our birth mother has changed her mind, it was almost a relief. We have been up and down all day on waves of maybe she won't, maybe she will. Helen, another birth mother counselor, finally called to say that our birth mother has left the care of the agency and has an "emergency plan." All that means is that she has a place to go to when she leaves the hospital with the baby. She is refusing the help of the agency, who would have helped her parent her baby. She is acting very much her age, barely 18. If the baby had been born a few weeks earlier when she was only 17, things may have been different.

Fortunately for us our home study counselors. Dr. Ken & Lynn Brown, were here to help us in that final hour of need. They told us not to worry that we would be parents and soon. Dr. Brown said our agency would work hard to get us matched again right away. Right now that seems impossible. The way I feel at this moment I don't even know if it is all worth it. I don't know if I can do this again.